Zerxus looks as relaxed as he ever does - so, not at all for a normal person, but markedly less tense than his usual. He's reclined in the bed, one leg curled up to lean a fiendish-looking tome against his knee. You really shouldn't be able to idly flip through pages that were probably skin once.
The knock gets his attention, but his head doesn't jerk upwards like it may have in those first few weeks, or months; despite himself, he's become used to Steve being here, to knowing he could be interrupted by someone he trusts. His expression is concerned, obviously, but not suspicious.
"Of course." The book vanishes back to his bookshelf with a snap of his fingers before he starts to sit up properly.
Steve hasn't hesitated in getting close to Zerxus in 'private'... ever, actually, but especially not with all the engineered, encouraged and occasionally forced closeness and intimacy. Getting and being close has probably been a lot of why he's still at least mostly sane.
There's some hesitation this time, and while he joins Zerxus on the bed, it's facing him and with his back against the foot board. This conversation needs looking at each other, and Steve needs some space to force himself to have it.
There's still a moment or two of pause, but only that. "I'm... going home. for a while."
Zerxus goes very still. His eyes have never changed back, all too human and all too open; he can suppress the flinch but not the flicker of anguish.
It's one of those rare times he agrees with Asmodeus about what weakness is. This is what he wanted, what he's been working for whenever he gets a chance. His only worry should be about how, since he definitely didn't have a hand in it, and -
That half-snap is at odds with the slight grimace, and even more at odds with the way he wants to soften this and knows that there is no softening it, it would be insulting to try, and make it sound like he has some kind of doubt about what he's doing.
And he doesn't.
The snap settles into grim determination in his eyes, and his voice. "I'm needed there. It's one soul against a world and don't you dare tell me that my math's wrong." You gave him the idea on day... two. it was a solid one.
The snap washes right over him, right through him; it takes quite a lot for a harsh word to ring in his ears, at this point.
It's the quiet, steady confirmation that does it. His gasp is as pained as it is surprised.
The worst part is, he can't even argue. For a long moment he just stares, stricken and stubborn, as if he could find some way to pick it apart - but he just can't. What does he say, that Steve matters more than all of those people just because Zerxus loves him? That they're worthless in the face of his own feelings?
That kind of shit is how you get Asmodeus in the first place.
The lack of argument, the reason Steve attributes to it, and what he's learned about Zerxus over the time he's been here? Is a big part of why Steve did this. Not to come back to someone he loves (though he does) but because there's some hope in the fact that Zerxus is still, in spite of Asmodeus and sometimes even in spite of Zerxus himself, a good man.
He at least physically relaxes, even from the grim determination that had him prepared to fight with Zerxus if it comes to that. Leans back and breathes just a little deeper. Realizes, somewhere in that move that he doesn't really notice the heat or scent of the place unless he thinks about it.
That tone hurts his heart, but he doesn't reach out. Not yet, not even wanting to so badly his fingers twitch.
"I feel like there's some questions hiding in the one you asked." But meanwhile: "I'm going home until I'm done doing what I have to. Then I'm coming back and staying. With you."
There's a swoop in his chest, soaring and victorious and he hates it, because what does that make him? How could he ever want anyone else to be here, forever?
"You don't - " There's a strangled note in his voice, all of his emotions colliding and conflicting. It's been so long since he's had the luxury of being at war with himself. "It will change you. Being his creature, calling this your home, it's - "
It's different, and Zerxus won't be able to stop it once it starts.
What kind of person wants that? A lonely one, in a codependent and abusive relationship with the Lord of Hell.
"I know." In as much as he can possibly know. He even (ironically) knows that he can't possibly know which. He definitely can't understand it. "I'm not doing it for you. I'd rather die. Always kind of figured I'd do that fighting whatever the biggest bad guy around was. Looks like that's not an option." Totally different sacrifice. Harder, worse, terrifying and he hates it.
In part because... it's giving in to Asmodeus. In part because it's giving in person. In part because it's going to make Zerxus feel guilty. He just... "It'll be some kind of okay. For more people than it's not, anyway." He's an optimist. (He's forcing optimism).
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The knock gets his attention, but his head doesn't jerk upwards like it may have in those first few weeks, or months; despite himself, he's become used to Steve being here, to knowing he could be interrupted by someone he trusts. His expression is concerned, obviously, but not suspicious.
"Of course." The book vanishes back to his bookshelf with a snap of his fingers before he starts to sit up properly.
no subject
There's some hesitation this time, and while he joins Zerxus on the bed, it's facing him and with his back against the foot board. This conversation needs looking at each other, and Steve needs some space to force himself to have it.
There's still a moment or two of pause, but only that. "I'm... going home. for a while."
no subject
It's one of those rare times he agrees with Asmodeus about what weakness is. This is what he wanted, what he's been working for whenever he gets a chance. His only worry should be about how, since he definitely didn't have a hand in it, and -
Wait.
"What do you mean, 'a while'?"
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That half-snap is at odds with the slight grimace, and even more at odds with the way he wants to soften this and knows that there is no softening it, it would be insulting to try, and make it sound like he has some kind of doubt about what he's doing.
And he doesn't.
The snap settles into grim determination in his eyes, and his voice. "I'm needed there. It's one soul against a world and don't you dare tell me that my math's wrong." You gave him the idea on day... two. it was a solid one.
no subject
It's the quiet, steady confirmation that does it. His gasp is as pained as it is surprised.
The worst part is, he can't even argue. For a long moment he just stares, stricken and stubborn, as if he could find some way to pick it apart - but he just can't. What does he say, that Steve matters more than all of those people just because Zerxus loves him? That they're worthless in the face of his own feelings?
That kind of shit is how you get Asmodeus in the first place.
Finally, low and hoarse, "What did you agree to?"
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He at least physically relaxes, even from the grim determination that had him prepared to fight with Zerxus if it comes to that. Leans back and breathes just a little deeper. Realizes, somewhere in that move that he doesn't really notice the heat or scent of the place unless he thinks about it.
That tone hurts his heart, but he doesn't reach out. Not yet, not even wanting to so badly his fingers twitch.
"I feel like there's some questions hiding in the one you asked." But meanwhile: "I'm going home until I'm done doing what I have to. Then I'm coming back and staying. With you."
no subject
"You don't - " There's a strangled note in his voice, all of his emotions colliding and conflicting. It's been so long since he's had the luxury of being at war with himself. "It will change you. Being his creature, calling this your home, it's - "
It's different, and Zerxus won't be able to stop it once it starts.
no subject
"I know." In as much as he can possibly know. He even (ironically) knows that he can't possibly know which. He definitely can't understand it. "I'm not doing it for you. I'd rather die. Always kind of figured I'd do that fighting whatever the biggest bad guy around was. Looks like that's not an option." Totally different sacrifice. Harder, worse, terrifying and he hates it.
In part because... it's giving in to Asmodeus. In part because it's giving in person. In part because it's going to make Zerxus feel guilty. He just... "It'll be some kind of okay. For more people than it's not, anyway." He's an optimist. (He's forcing optimism).