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[withintenfeet]

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[hippie_ninja]

"I'm a drop in an ocean." He's done all he can for the Hilltop, for the colonies. He was miserable trying to fit a role he was never built for.

"I told someone that this way my death means something. I wouldn't have been able to come here if things weren't over for me back home." It didn't help make it any easier for Maggie but maybe it will for Zerxus.

[withintenfeet]

He does nod, because that's at least -

It was better, the second time he Ring of Brass fell around him. They walked in with clear eyes, ready to die for something that mattered.

"I know what a difference that can make." But there's more he wants to say, and after a beat of strained hesitation, "And only you get to decide what you're ready for. When you're finished. But there are more choices here, more paths to take -"

It's the first time his voice loses some of that gentle steadiness, starts to turn rough with emotion instead.

[hippie_ninja]

No one will cry for him at home. He's a body in a box in the ground when he would have preferred to be burned, and things will go on without him.

Here on the Barge two people are so moved by his death he can hear it in their voices. It's startling.

"There are for you, too," he says, and if there's a note of pleading in his voice, who can blame him? "The mistakes you've made, the choices you made, they don't have to lead you to Hell. Not anymore."

[withintenfeet]

He isn't hearing voices anymore, but that almost doesn't matter because Evandrin's, tender and desperate as the embraced between the planes, rings so fiercely in his mind. We can fix this, we can find another way, please. At the time it was the only way to save his son.

But there was another moment - a gift, from his brother, the mercy of a clean death - where he could have let go. Dead, but far beyond the devil's grasp; dead, but perhaps not forever. "I know I don't. I knew that before the Barge."

It sounds absurd, he knows, and his best explanation is, "I can't just leave. I don't know if it will matter but I have to try."

[hippie_ninja]

He understands that. He's been the one doing the absurd thing, the desperate thing. He's' seen it pay off. He's also seen it fail. He doesn't regret trying but he never would have been able to live with himself if he'd stopped before he tried.

Sometimes, every now and then, he sees little glimmers of truths beyond his natural aversion to getting close to people. Sometimes he can hear a warning in his head: This one will hurt you.

Zerxus could fuck him up bad, just with the earnestness in his voice. Just with the fact he'll face down the Devil and try to make things change.

Yeah. Getting close to Zerxus would be a mistake.

"So," he says anyway, knowing all this. His smile is soft and heartbroken and strong. "The Barge is all we have, then. It's all we get. I think we should make the most of it."