He isn't hearing voices anymore, but that almost doesn't matter because Evandrin's, tender and desperate as the embraced between the planes, rings so fiercely in his mind. We can fix this, we can find another way, please. At the time it was the only way to save his son.
But there was another moment - a gift, from his brother, the mercy of a clean death - where he could have let go. Dead, but far beyond the devil's grasp; dead, but perhaps not forever. "I know I don't. I knew that before the Barge."
It sounds absurd, he knows, and his best explanation is, "I can't just leave. I don't know if it will matter but I have to try."
He understands that. He's been the one doing the absurd thing, the desperate thing. He's' seen it pay off. He's also seen it fail. He doesn't regret trying but he never would have been able to live with himself if he'd stopped before he tried.
Sometimes, every now and then, he sees little glimmers of truths beyond his natural aversion to getting close to people. Sometimes he can hear a warning in his head: This one will hurt you.
Zerxus could fuck him up bad, just with the earnestness in his voice. Just with the fact he'll face down the Devil and try to make things change.
Yeah. Getting close to Zerxus would be a mistake.
"So," he says anyway, knowing all this. His smile is soft and heartbroken and strong. "The Barge is all we have, then. It's all we get. I think we should make the most of it."
no subject
But there was another moment - a gift, from his brother, the mercy of a clean death - where he could have let go. Dead, but far beyond the devil's grasp; dead, but perhaps not forever. "I know I don't. I knew that before the Barge."
It sounds absurd, he knows, and his best explanation is, "I can't just leave. I don't know if it will matter but I have to try."
no subject
Sometimes, every now and then, he sees little glimmers of truths beyond his natural aversion to getting close to people. Sometimes he can hear a warning in his head: This one will hurt you.
Zerxus could fuck him up bad, just with the earnestness in his voice. Just with the fact he'll face down the Devil and try to make things change.
Yeah. Getting close to Zerxus would be a mistake.
"So," he says anyway, knowing all this. His smile is soft and heartbroken and strong. "The Barge is all we have, then. It's all we get. I think we should make the most of it."