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[withintenfeet]

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Re: Sept 17

[withintenfeet]

We can, and that matters, but - there are also inmates who want us to be honest about being upset or uncertain. I know it's hard, when there are so many strong opinions flying around and half of them contradict each other.

...I try to pay attention. I know not everyone sees it this way, but for me, we're all in this together. [ ...And considering all this talk about being open and vulnerable, he may as well put his money where his mouth is. ]

When I was alive, I had people who took up that slack for me. When I couldn't - when facing the world as a public figure was the last thing I wanted to do. They gave me space, and time, usually without saying anything. I'm sure there are rumours they killed and walls they tore down that I'll never even know about. [ His voice goes taut, in the end, before he takes a moment and smoothes it out again. ]

There are too many wardens for us to be a team like that, but we can do more for each other than we are. And leading by example - showing inmates that we aren't perfect and we know it, that we're finding ways to make up for that - can't hurt.

Re: Sept 17

[abrightboy]

Demonstrating I’m not perfect isn’t where I fall down. …I’ve always said we’re all on the same team. We’re in this together. Can… can you get people to hear that?

Re: Sept 17

[withintenfeet]

I... [ He just sighs, scrubbing a hand back through his hair. (It's been a mess ever since the Not-Flood; he could swear it was easier to tame before the horns, but maybe those are rose-coloured glasses.) ] I can keep trying. If nothing else, I'm very stubborn.

Neal always knew it would be an uphill battle. Between the turnover, and the chaos, and the Admiral not exactly encouraging us to act like a team.

Re: Sept 17

[abrightboy]

The messages in his work… they have to be conveyed by someone that people will listen to, if they’re going to be heard. New people won’t be the problem if we can establish it. New people will use it as a facility the same way they learn to use the Enclosure: they’ll see other people do it.

Re: Sept 17

[withintenfeet]

I agree. We just have to get to that point, which felt a lot easier with him here.

[ His eyes widen, suddenly, and then he looks wistfully rueful. ]

I've given up on changing things before, when...something like this happened. I don't want to do that again.

We ought to have a port soon. We can go through his notes, and hopefully people will have time to relax and recover, and then - it could be the best time to broach the subject.

Re: Sept 17

[abrightboy]

I like that plan. Thank you so much.

Two Months and Ten Days Later

[abrightboy]

...So that port seemed, for a minute, like it might be a place for people to relax and recover but... that isn't exactly what happened. It happened more at this last one, but it was still... fraught in some ways. Do you still want to do this?

[withintenfeet]

It...definitely wasn't.

[ He'd drawn into himself again, after that, but now - ]

We should - change our approach, probably, but I think it's still important. Especially for people from the Narrenschiff, they have a lot to adjust to.

[abrightboy]

Yeah. You're not wrong. I've... tried talking to Sokie. She doesn't want to talk to me here. She seemed fine with me on the Narrenschiff.

[withintenfeet]

Then it's probably more about the Barge than it is you. ...Is she a warden or an inmate?

[abrightboy]

An inmate.

[withintenfeet]

[ Oof. ]

She went from a level playing field to something very different.

[abrightboy]

Yeah. But I just wanted to talk. Maybe help her, if she needed it. Or wanted it.

[withintenfeet]

She might be able to accept that later, once she's settled more. It's not your fault, that you're a warden and she isn't, but -

It changes things.

[abrightboy]

A lot of inmates have said something like that. Yeah. Even Neal.

[withintenfeet]

I'm pretty sure inmates make the best wardens, if they choose to stay. There are things they're going to understand that we don't, not fully.

...I'd make a horrible inmate, I think.

[abrightboy]

I've never really understood why I wasn't one, but... Will seems to understand why.

If graduated inmates make the best Wardens, why does the Admiral bring people here just to be Wardens? Inmates resent us.

[withintenfeet]

The more responsibility you have, the more resentment you get with it. Especially if no one knows why we have more power than they do.

I'm pretty sure I understand why you're a warden, too. But there's nothing...objective or official I can point to. The Admiral isn't going to explain himself.

[abrightboy]

I’m not sure Walter - my Inmate - actually wants me to help him.

[withintenfeet]

You, specifically, or anyone at all?

[abrightboy]

I’m not entirely sure.

[withintenfeet]

He could be pinning any frustration about the Barge itself onto you. And then, any time you make a mistake or have a disagreement - that's just fuel for what he already believes.

It isn't fair, but it's normal. I know it's hard, not to take it personally, but sometimes...what people really need is someone who's patient and stubborn and won't let themselves be driven away.

[abrightboy]

That's what I've been trying to do.

[withintenfeet]

Then I think you're on the right track.

...Remember to be patient with yourself, too.

[abrightboy]

I try to be. But... sometimes I try to be stubborn and not let myself be driven away and people get really mad about it. They say that not just... going away forever when they tell you to fuck off isn't respecting their boundaries. So... so how do I tell when I should be stubborn and persist in the face of being told to go fuck myself and when I should just... go away forever and never bother them?