withintenfeet | TLV Inbox

Zerxus feels himself grinning back, just a little, and it startles him - even though he's smiled more on the Barge than he had in...years, probably. He's not sure how he feels about the prospect of it becoming easy again.

"Let me grab that other chair - " With one hand, he slides a fairly hefty armchair over to the fireplace, before settling back into his own. His mug is still warm, of course, and he raises it in wry invitation.

Neal matches the toast, and settles into the chair with his eyes on the fire. "You want to talk about why the possibility of demotion scared you that badly?"

A pause, and the corners of his eyes wrinkle in quiet amusement. "Let me rephrase. I'm here to talk about that, if you're willing to."

He's braced himself for it, so the question doesn't land harshly. But then Neal softens it anyway, and that's what puts a lump in his throat.

Entirely but coincidence he's going to sip some of his cocoa first.

"I am not - going back to a good situation." Whether he disappears or he chooses to leave; whether he remembers the Barge or he doesn't. "I don't know how the Admiral - or the Barge itself, or however it works - will judge all of that. And then the problem is twofold, because it would take Kahl's warden away and it would stop me from doing what I need to do at home."

He pauses, then, and amends, "What I want to do."

Neal cups his hands around his mug, thoughts straying to nights on the beach with Raylan in front of a bonfire. The bare edge of a chill in the air, the uneven heat of the fire making the skin on his face feel tight.

"That's the problem. But why does the problem scare you?"

"...Because I can't fix it."

He thought that was self-evident.

"What makes you think that?"

Sorry Zerxus please articulate your specific concerns.

Zerxus looks away, after a moment, staring into the fire and grappling for an explanation that's true without -

No. No, if he's agreeing to talk about this he ought to do it properly. "There is...a lot I haven't told you about what happened to Exandria. What happened to me."

With some effort, he tears his gaze away from the flames and meets Neal's gaze again.

"I'm dead, Neal. I'm dead, and I know exactly where my soul is going, and I'm not here to change it."

Neal studies his face without flinching.

"So--genuine question. Is the thing that scares you not being able to fix the things you came here to fix, or the idea that being an inmate means you get a second chance at life whether you want it or not?"

Neal will see his expression shift from grim resolve to desperate yearning, just for a moment. He settles easily back into fierce conviction, but there's a ragged quality to his voice that betrays the level of emotion.

"I came here to help people. That is my second chance."

"No it's not," he says, tone shifting from neutrally inquisitive to gentle. "With that approach, it's theirs and only theirs. This is limbo, Zerxus. Purgatory, the place of proving, whatever you want to call it. You're here to help people, yes, but it's not a second chance for you if you don't take it when it's offered. Then it just becomes a deferral of whatever debt it is you think you owe."

The laughter tumbles out before he can catch it, low and hoarse and just this side of manic.

"What I think - " Oh, that sounded just as bad. He swallows hard and tries again, summoning steadiness through sheer force of will.

"Do you remember - I know it was a much longer time ago, for you. But I told you about a bard you reminded me of, and what he did with the last day of his life."

It takes him a moment. Zerxus hadn't said bard at the time, that Neal can recall, but that doesn't particularly matter. He recalls the rest of it.

"'The best liar in a city of liars,' I think is how you put it. Someone who cared when other people should have, who saved as many lives as he could with the time he had."

His expression softens a little, as he nods, but his voice is just as heavy.

"Between him and the rest of us, I think we got at least half of Avalir out, and most of Cathmoira." Not just the Ring of Brass, but everyone they inspired to fight for each other.

"Two cities, out of dozens." Domunas wasn't the most populated continent, especially as it began to decline over the decades, but it wasn't sparse either. Hopefully, most of them died in their sleep. "And letting all of that be destroyed - was the best we could do, to try and fix our mistakes. To mitigate the damage, and doom Exandria to centuries of horror instead of eternity."

"Your mistakes?" It's a gentle prompt, without judgment, as heavy as the thought of dozens of cities wiped off the map sits in the pit of his stomach and the base of his throat.

"Yes." He stares down into his drink, now, as he tries to figure out where to start. "...Your world doesn't have gods. Not obvious ones, at least."

"Not obvious ones, no." He wouldn't discount the possibility entirely, that they're out there, but as for their interest in earth and its population--that's another question.

"And people still devote themselves to them." It continues to boggle his mind! But that isn't the point, so he shakes his head. "Ours - they have their own realms, their own planes, but they can walk among us whenever they like. Well, most of them."

He remembers what was, in retrospect, the first hint of Asmodeus as he truly was; the contemptuous growl of prime deities.

"Thousands of years ago, the gods - twenty of them, at the time - found our world and started changing it. All the life that exists there was shaped, at least in part, by them. But then it all went wrong, and they started fighting over it, and about half - eight of them - were banished. Not together, but alone, for...eternity, apparently."

And even now, even now his voice is taut with sympathy. As he lapses back into silence he seems fragile again, but then his shoulders straighten and there's steel in his voice, a glimmer of starlight in his gaze.

"I never cared about gods in general. But I care about people being condemned and forgotten just because it's easier that way."

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