withintenfeet | TLV Inbox

[ Death is better catches in his throat and stays there, roughening what he chooses to say instead. ]

Of course he's upset. Diminishing that - was not what I meant to do.

[ And yet. ]

[...Yeah that roughness kind of confirms a suspicion.]

I read about-- okay I didn't choose to, my therapist made me read about these things called spheres of grief once. Where when something bad happens or you lose someone, the person it happens to, those are the people in the center of the middle sphere. And every layer outward is like, people who are less and less directly emotionally related. So like... if someone dies, their family is in the center, then friends, then acquaintances, and so on, you get it.

But the thing my therapist said was that the support is supposed to flow inward, right? Hilbert and Eiffel are from the same place, they've been through stuff we're never going to hear about together, they've been here for ages with each other, they're probably closer to each other in a lot of ways than anyone else on board, right?

[She pauses, trying to think her way through how to put this.] So. They're the center, I guess, you know? And Eiffel seems like the kind of person who's going to probably brush it off, which means Hilbert is upset about it by himself. You and me--or I guess me, I don't know how well you know them, but anyway, I'm third or fourth or whatever number of rings out from emotional ground zero. Maybe I've got stuff that makes me feel some kind of way about how stuff went, and that's fine. But no one in the middle should have to give a crap about my feelings, not while they're still figuring out their own.

[ His mind is cast back seven years as she speaks, and the devastating ripple effects of grief. ]

...And tearing each other apart?

[ Wistfully mournful, but not argumentative; in fact, he switches to video so she can see him shake his head immediately afterwards. ]

But I didn't make that any better. You're right, Willa.

[ There are ways, still, in which he is entirely too proud, but this is not one of them. ]

[She switches to video too, her expression clearly relieved. Mostly at the fact that he's not angry.]

I told Hilbert what he said to Jedao was cruel and probably super hypocritical. But also...

[Another pause, another flounder through the deep water of trying to sort out her thoughts on things.]

...When I was-- I still do it sometimes, actually, but... When I was little and upset but I couldn't be upset in a way that fixed anything, I would just try to mess up as much shit as I could in any relationship I could reach with my fat baby hands. I kind of think that's part of what Hilbert was doing, now that I've had a chance to consider it, and stuff. And also-- It feels like people are picking sides in this, like really picking sides, which is stupid. Jedao panicked and did his best. But if he waited, Eiffel could probably have been helped without the fatality. He's definitely, definitely right to want Eiffel back to being his own whole free self and all, but he also wasn't like, right to dive in by himself when we're on a boat full of super-people. I don't think it's one or the other. I think everyone screwed up, including Hilbert. I think we're really lucky it happened here. Eiffel definitely is.

Not to mention, that's another thing, people who are like 'Jedao is right!' Or 'Hilbert is right!' are also missing the point that it's not about them being right or wrong either. What Jedao did was for Eiffel but probably it was also for Jedao. Because he decided on the dangers being worth it and acted without backup. What Hilbert said was for Eiffel, but it was also definitely for Hilbert, because he didn't even have a chance to try and help.

Edited 2024-01-04 08:18 (UTC)

[ It's not the first time this expression has crossed his face as he listened to her, but it's the first time she's seen it: intently engaged and quietly impressed. ]

That's a valuable perspective to have, in situations like this.

[ And it's been made abundantly clear that he doesn't, not this time. There's too much resonance with his own baggage. ]

...This isn't a deflection, we can steer back around. But how would you feel about doing this in a more structured way? Reaching out to people, and helping them get past hurdles like with each other.

[She shrugs when he says it's a valuable perspective.] I was pretty good at being in the middle on stuff before and then I came here and realized even the thing I wasn't in the middle on was my dad doing his best for me. So I guess like... I'm trying to be there, more. To think about people doing their best before I get mad about it not being what I want.

[She frowns.]

How d'you mean?

I mean being a mediator officially. Or as official as we can get, at the moment.

[ And he's just - going to send over a link to Neal's post, if she hasn't seen it yet. It's a good outline both on why it could be very helpful and why it's not going to be easy. ]

You don't need to answer right now, it's - going to take a while to get this started.

[She holds up a finger--one second--and turns off her camera to read Neal's post, if not the comments. When she finishes she has to take a few alarmed seconds to process the fact that Zerxus is suggesting she would be good for something like this. Her, probably the youngest person on board.

She has to get her nerves under control before she can turn the video back on.]

You really think I could do something like that? I mean--most people... Hunter already gets crap from people for being a teenager in the infirmary, you really think anyone would listen to me when they're upset? Talking to you is-- That's different, you know me. I mean I guess Hilbert didn't and I said things anyway but I don't think he actually listened even if I did say we weren't done talking about everything, that's why I said we weren't done to be honest.

[ With a slight arch of his eyebrows - ] I know you remember that I wasn't exactly pleased when you arrived. You have a way of winning people over.

But even if you don't, that's why we're giving people options. Different ages, different genders, different - species.

[ His lips twitch with wry amusement, a brief but genuine smile. ] And I'd call Hilbert a...harder case than most.

[ Expert Mode right there. ]

[She bites her lip. He thinks she can do this. He really does? She's been thinking about it, thinking about why she's here and what she wants, and this is something that could be... really important.

It's also scary in ways she's not used to.]

Yeah. That... That makes sense, having options.

[ He nods, falling back into projecting steady reassurance. It doesn't come quite as naturally, since dying, but with some people it's easier. ]

You can communicate with people in ways I can't - or Xie Lian, or Jedao, or John Doe. ...Not that we've asked them yet.

[ And he is definitely holding off now. ]

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