He's braced himself for it, so the question doesn't land harshly. But then Neal softens it anyway, and that's what puts a lump in his throat.

Entirely but coincidence he's going to sip some of his cocoa first.

"I am not - going back to a good situation." Whether he disappears or he chooses to leave; whether he remembers the Barge or he doesn't. "I don't know how the Admiral - or the Barge itself, or however it works - will judge all of that. And then the problem is twofold, because it would take Kahl's warden away and it would stop me from doing what I need to do at home."

He pauses, then, and amends, "What I want to do."